I sometimes wonder...

...if others stop and try to connect the dots in their lives?  Of course, everyone takes the time to reflect on their lives to some degree--you wouldn't be a human being if you didn't.  But what I really mean is--are they aware enough of their surroundings and the circumstances that others go through?  Does anyone ever feel like they hit the nail on the head when they puzzle over the mystery of a relative's odd behaviour and the motives behind a friendly employee?  Is a strong revelation ever reached when considering one's quality of life and one's relationship with others?

I was a precocious kid.  I'm not saying I was smarter than my peers, or that I was like a fully matured adult at the age of six.  What I mean is that I was always analyzing things.  I became perhaps too sympathetic, and others took advantage of that sensitivity.

Nowadays, I find it becoming a strength.  It's helped me deal with some situations at work, and also dodge some shady situations when socializing out of my usual element.  The most obvious benefit of this awareness is in my writing, where I can easily create a character with conflicts and individual tastes.

Again, I'm not saying I'm the most attentive person in the world, but when I put it into practice I can usually see the reasoning behind a dilemma or a good situation.  I find this to help diffuse anger or sadness.  In the case of bad things, this doesn't necessarily give me the answer to my problems, just the means to find it.  A few times, I've come to the conclusion that the most effective way to solve the problem is to speak with whoever I'm having the altercation with.  

...And there's where I typically hit a wall.

In writing, I find it cathartic to have my characters go through tough obstacles, only to solve it and reach a common understanding.  In the real world, however, I find it frustrating, because it seems like I can't get others to get where I'm coming from.  I try to talk to them as respectfully and as clearly as possible, only to have them shut me down out of stubborn pride or impatience.  Narcissism and ignorance have been the handicaps of man since the dawn of time, and I can't deny that I've suffered from them before...  But I still find it frustrating when people allow their emotions to blind them to the point that they can't submit to simple logic.  

(This is, of course, assuming that you are knowledgeable of everything that's relevant to the situation to make that logical conclusion--but for the purpose of this rant, let's just say that one does.)

Nowadays, I think there's a lot of emphasis on the self--and it's this sort of self-involved thinking that creates the narrow minded people you meet today.  It isn't quite the materialism of the 80's (though advertising and corporate domination is more pervasive than ever.)  What it is instead is just an idea of self-righteousness.  Lots of popular songs today circle around the idea that one is "right" even when one is "wrong."  Also, the increased usage of things like the computer and television has made vapidness a wide-spread epidemic.  While this hardly qualifies as proof, I have to say it's pretty disheartening when many of the kids I've spoken to in universities fail to practice basic critical thinking.  And I find it odd, as some of these individuals DO read alot and can ace through tough college courses...

But I guess the issue isn't that they lack "intelligence" so much as just "wisdom".

So I just wonder, how many of you stop to try and think of things from all angles?  Do you admit the things you did wrong despite how much it may hurt or embarass you?  Do you factor in where others are coming from?  I.e., a broken home, poor romantic relationships, money problems, social experience... Do you use your conclusions from such musings to try and reach out in a way that the other person would respond positively?  And do they?

This introspective post was brought to you by the makers of Anxiety™, "When confidence is away, insecurity will play!"

Because twitter fails to illustrate...

...I'd just like to clarify (for those who follow my twitter account) that the past two days have been weighed down with economic troubles, family feuds, emotional breakdowns, medical bad news, and the looming fear that I may get sued or fired from my new job over a stupid misunderstanding.

There.  :)

Update will be up before Monday!  (I mean, why let some bad luck ruin a good thing?)

Going to my happy place.

WHEN IN DOUBT, SCREAM AND SHOUT.

As unadmirable as it may sound, I just nearly broke my $1700 laptop in a sudden fit of rage that had me slamming my fist into the walls and screaming all seven deadly words irascibly. I had to take a cold shower to calm down. Now I just feel dejected.

You see, I just lost about an hour-and-a-half's worth of writing to an accidental keystroke that took me away from the Blogger post editor. The real issue wasn't even that. It was that the auto-save feature, for whatever reason, failed to do its job. So the two new scenes, the new dialogue, and the grammatical and editorial changes for Chapter 2.3 have all been lost.

Frustration, as many writers will say, is understandable in this situation. "What you really need to do," they'll tell you, "Is think about it in a positive light. You can rewrite whatever you did, and perhaps even better." I've had this happen to me before, so I know this. I've lost more work to silly screw-ups like this in the past.

It still sucks though.

Anyway, I apologize that this is all taking so long. I forgot how long it can take to put edits into effect, even with notes in hand. I guess part of the reason I'm so determined to get this done first is so that I can create a stronger base to build off of when I move to finish "Tributaries". Generally, writers wait till a work is finished before editing the whole thing, but I think it'll be better if I do things this way. My issue is that, despite having an outline and notes and all that nonsense, I still tend to write solely with the last chapter in mind.

Now this may not sound bad, but just imagine it like building a jenga tower. Each level has a piece missing, and you place pieces with consideration to those gaps. But as you build, you only take into account the level you are building off of. So as you go further up, the tower starts to tilt more and more to the side, until it falls over. I really was feeling like the paths of Nyx and Elmiryn's character were beginning to stray a little from how I introduced them and how I intended them to be. The same went for their adventure.

Bottom line: I felt like I was losing perspective, so I wanted to regain that before I went on toward the finale.

To me this is extremely important. So important that I'm willing to put the story on hiatus for a while. I'm tempted to do fillers and/or side stories in the meantime. Maybe post up excerpts from the book Tobias gave Nyx, or do abstract 'backstage' skits with the characters in the story. I'm not really sure. These won't be posted on a regular schedule and they likely won't be long pieces. If I can get the help, I might ask a guest writer to share their work on the site.

So will there be an update Friday? Probably not. Maybe a filler, but it'll be posted on THIS blog, under the appropriate category.

I'm feeling a bit better. Writing this post was a little cathartic. I'll stop now, as I have to go get ready for a lunch meeting, but know that I'll resume work (maybe not today) and the story will continue.

Till the next update, hope everyone takes care. I'll leave you all with a colored pencil drawing I did while I was in Panama. My only wish was that I didn't do it on lined paper.

Sorry.

Wow, okay...so I figure I should do a post just to let folks know that this story is NOT dead.  I've been working on the next installment all this time (or not working...more like staring blithely at my screen, typing three words, then stopping.)  I know what I want to happen.  But the difficulty comes in writing it appropriately.

My preview from last week has been scrapped.  Or will probably be scrapped as this next angle I'm trying doesn't seem like it could include it.  I could probably tailor it to use it further down the line, but that scene was getting too weird and off track.

The real issue is that I'll be leaving for two weeks on the 28th, so all of this time gone has really flattened my morale so to speak.  I wanted to atleast have these updates up before I left.  Instead, I'm down two and looking at losing a third one.

I won't bother much with excuses.  At first turn they all seem so legitimate (or not, depending on your opinion) but as time goes and the same old things keep popping up, it starts to sound like crap, even to me.  Probably the big issue I have is with discipline--being able to MAKE myself write something, even if its crap, to be able to turn in on a given time.  I think that was part of my reason to start this web novel.  I wanted to learn to meet deadlines.  It was going smoothly until recently, when new joys (and by that token, new woes) entered my life, dividing my energies so much that I could barely make even weekly updates.

And to think, I considered doing three updates a week!!

I'm trying to take better care of myself, both physically and mentally.  I think a lack of short-term goals and set daily tasks (i.e. a fucking job) has made me into this stagnant loser who can't tell ass from elbow.

I'm going to keep trying to make the weekly updates, and I apologize to you all for taking so long.  Please keep checking back.  I promise things will get going soon!

Jes' checking in.

I'm working on a few sidebars for Eikasia that I think some might find interesting. I don't know when I'll post them, but hopefully I'll be done with them soon enough.

I plan on doing some heavy editing for Eikasia. Chapters 1.1 and 1.2 are all ready in their second drafts, but I'm still going to be doing another pass to try and eliminate the crappiness. Chapter 5.1 is probably the one I'm most eager to get to, because I feel the overall quality of it is low and I probably could've described the scenes in a better and more plausible way. But despite my eagerness to re-work it, I'm going to hold off until I can revise the earlier chapters--after all, I need a good base before I can hope to work at the top.

I did a review last week on Chris Tejeda's "Lifting of the Veil", which is a very interesting science fiction web serial that I think you folks should check out.

I've also started doing the next installment for Eikasia. However, if I'm actually productive this week, it may be tossed out in favor of something better.

Recently watched "The Mindscape of Alan Moore"...which really told me a lot about the man, and tore down my earlier belief that he was just an egotistical creep. In fact, a lot of the things I've thought about when writing, or dreaming, or while staring blithely at my ceiling at 2 in the morning, he echoed, in a fascinating and evocative narrative detailing his career and his beliefs on politics, science, sex, and religion. It was eerie. I won't say that everything that came out of his mouth was gold--but I was surprised at how much I did agree with him on things. I recommend it to anyone who has read any of his work, or who appreciates an alternative view on things, or who simply reads comic books. It really is worth a look.

Gonna sign off here...Some part of me wants to vent recent personal frustrations in this entry--they are "personal" but they've affected my work on Eikasia, so I guess it's partly relevant. But I'm not sure what good it will do but make me seem attention-seeking and like any other silly bitch under the esteemed banner of "Generation Y".

Ah well. This really isn't a personal blog anyways. Who the heck reads my non-personal stuff to begin with? (oh whoops, I'm fulfilling the stereotype again, ha ha)

This is a TOTALLY original and clever post title.

Oh wow...this week was kinda hard for me. Not because anything in particular happened. Just...well, put simply, these have been the worst mood swings I've ever suffered in all my years of being a girl. I haven't felt like doing anything, I've been sick, and tired...and sore. And tired, and sick, and--it's like a vicious cycle. Yesterday I was quite literally sitting at the bottom of my shower, staring off into space and wishing I could just put life on pause, then later that day I was high as a kite and happy as hell for no real reason at all. I've tried taking vitamins, drinking coffee, eating chocolate, and watching funny stuff, but it was all moot. This morning I woke up and felt like someone died. I guess I had a bad dream. Feeling better now though, so I guess I'm in one of those highs.

And to think, I've only got menopause to worry about when I get older.

Anyways, enough blathering. Here's the chapter preview to prove that I've actually been doing something:

She told herself to scream, because she figured it would make her feel better. But where would that sound go, in this terrible place? What would that sound mean here? It hardly meant a thing to her, after all... She was dead. A ghost...right? So what did it mean when the sound of anguish curled out of her mouth like a desperate hand?

...Aw, who cares...

Elmiryn pushed herself upright, and her limbs shook with the effort. She came to an angle her spine disagreed with and fell back again, pain incising itself into her nerves. That dubious noise came to her lips once more, but rather than take flight, it clung there, shuddering, before it was lost in a sudden bark of laughter.

She had always wondered if Halvard, moral god, would see fit to cast her in some dank hell. Well...she got her answer. How could she have survived such a crash of water? It cast her into dark--shattered her completely beyond recognition, like glass, like a mirror...

Remember kiddies, it is subject to change, but you should all ready know that by now...

....Oh DAMN it!

Stupid formatting. Why do all images need borders?

ANYWAYS...the new chapter is up, but I was hoping to have it come out looking nicer. If people dislike it, I'll edit the chapter and just type it up like normal. If not I'll keep it...but will keep poking around for a way to get rid of those silly borders. (grumble)

And for those interested, you can now get e-mail updates via FeedBurner. Just go to my blog and look at the sidebar.

...this is what you get

Did this today.  Started another digital drawing as well, with both Nyx and Elmiryn.  Hopefully I can manage something full scale like this.

Well today was...uncomfortable. It started at 2 AM when I woke up and found my tonsils were so swollen I could feel my breath whistling past them. They were so damn big, I kept swallowing reflexively, and every time it hurt worse than if a cheetah were to use them for speed bag practice. Somehow I got to sleep and woke up the same way later. Couldn't eat any more than yogurt for breakfast. Thankfully the swelling went down after I took some antibiotics and drank lots of water, but its evening and it is still difficult to talk.

It was REALLY odd then, feeling this way, and watching Apocalypse Now: Redux. I also managed to see Hardware (finally!) and I really enjoyed it. The last movie I saw on my list of surrealistic, dark films was Videodrome. I drove 40 minutes to get these (including Blackula, and Eddie Murphy's elusive 'Delirious' special). Hollywood Video and Blockbuster both bite sagging nuts because they don't carry a wide enough selection of movies. Netflix--though they offer more--still didn't seem to have either Apocalypse Now or Hardware for some reason. I enjoy these wacked out, stylistic forays into the human imagination. The bonus was that it's given me a few ideas for Chapter 4.2...which will be interesting.

Prepare for heavy linkage!

Apocalypse Now: Redux, originally premiered in 2001, was just an extended version of the original film, which came out in 1979. Though I've never seen the original, I really enjoyed this version a lot. There were a lot of powerful images, and I felt the acting was pretty spot on. The only part about it I'd have to say I didn't like was the plantation scene, which dragged on and on--I literally fast-forwarded through it. Aside from that, it was all just great. Marlin Brando does an amazing job as the disturbed Kurt, and seeing the final scene with him and Martin Sheen was pretty excellent. I'm not a history buff, but the Vietnam War has always fascinated me. Seeing this movie made me want to watch Full Metal Jacket again...then maybe Rescue Dawn. (and just because the last film would have Bale in it, I'd probably run to find American Psycho...which is such a deliciously demented movie)

After that I watched Hardware, which I mentioned on the blog a little while ago. It seemed to parade around its soundtrack a little bit here and there, but for the most part I understand that it was a film mired in alternative culture, and I think the music really lended to the post-apocalyptic setting. I somehow missed ever hearing about Iggy Pop doing a voice cameo, so it was a surprise to see his name come up in the credits. Given the film's budget, Richard Stanley and Steven Chivers did an EXCELLENT job with direction and cinematography. You can see the financial restraints whenever the killer robot, M.A.R.K. 13 is onscreen, but the sonuvabitch is actually pretty creepy in my opinion. The use of color and lighting sucked me in pretty well, so this easily joins my list of cult favorites (right next to Repo Man and The Warriors.)

The last movie I watched today was Videodrome, from good ol' David Cronenberg. It's your basic "body horror"--a kind of niche genre of story and film that deals with severe abnormalities with the body (mutation, parasitism, general gore.) I was glad to see it wasn't as contrived as Scanners, another one of Cronenberg's films, but the man does seem to have a penchant for stories with opposing forces...not so much one character versus another, but one faction versus another. Like in politics, religion...or comic books. Even in his recent film, Eastern Promises, that still seemed quite apparent...but I can't really hate the guy for it. It's pretty common in stories.

Anyways...the film I felt was pretty disturbing in places (which not many horror movies manage to achieve) but around the end it started to lose the creepy feel and gained more of a forced 'epic' feel. The whole 'snuff video making people go insane' was pretty good (just seeing little clips of it made me nervous), but they lost me at the sudden conspiracy theory BS. The special effects, again, were VERY good, making me miss the days when movies didn't leave it all up to computers to make things look cool. I think my favorite scene was when the main character tries to stick his head into his television set...

So hopefully I can come up with some interesting stuff to write for this coming chapter, considering the bizarre things I've seen today. Tack on the fact that I've been feeling exactly as Nyx and Elmiryn have in the story, and the only way I could fail to do a satisfactory update is to put my pants on my head and light it on fire...

...While falling off a building into chopper blades.

...*snicker*

New possibilities, same obstacles.

Being an American citizen feels good now.  In fact it feels amazing.  My international readers will have to forgive me--sometimes I forget that anyone outside of my bubble of a universe bothers with anything I do.  I've been feeling incredibly motivated lately--but not really for writing.  The effort of creativity comes easier in spurts.  I should probably ease off with the roleplaying on forums.  It doesn't help that I signed up for NaNoWriMo too (hoo boy.)  So as of this moment?  There isn't much of the new chapter.  I'm thinking lots of coffee and loud music for tonight.

The odd thing is that I actually DO wish to write.  I KNOW what I want to write.  But I just...can't.  When I get going I either get tired, distracted, or find myself stunted by the need to fact check.  I love writing I do.  I just hate having to fact check.

I will write this next part, damn it.  I can't promise it'll be by tomorrow morning, though.  I'm hesitant to say I'll even have something by tomorrow.

Stupid Sassafrackin...@#!?&

Chapter 3.2 is up.    

Tried adding "back" links on each chapter page.  Blogger's editor is driving me insane.  If it looks a little wacky, I blame this flaming site, but at least the damn things work. 

...Why am I awake at 6 in the morning?

SHOOT ME.

Some more artwork and an update.

There are times when I feel I shouldn't try writing at all.

But then I reminded myself that I couldn't expect to get better if I quit, so that's when I posted.

Nyah...

Here's another drawing I did.  Originally it was to be added to the new chapter, but I decided it wasn't good enough--furthermore, it was supposed to accompany a scene but I ended up not writing that part yet:

I might've messed up the shading on Elmiryn...

Well, now I'm off to go watch horror movies of which will no doubt give me nightmares.

Swimming With Information

Started working on the new chapter. Sometimes I wish I had someone to critique my work and tell me if my characterizations and narrative choices make any flaming sense. Ah well...who isn't insecure about their work? It seems I'll have a disclaimer filled with excuses for just about every update I ever do, so I guess I'm doomed.

Here's a quick preview of the upcoming installment. Might be different when posted:

When she came outside of the inn, the air was cool and the sky had shifted to a glorious velvet. The merchants were long since packed and gone, only a small crowd of folk wandering here to there taking care of things before they were expected to retreat for the night. The warrior spotted Nyx across from the way, sitting on a basket with her head bowed down and something in her hands. She cantered towards her.

“Hullo there, my kitten in cutie's clothing. What is that you've got there?” Elmiryn chirped. She bent over and tilted her head to one side, her body swaying. “Is it because of what you are that you can read out here with so little light?” the woman asked.

Nyx sighed and stopped reading, her tawny eyes rolling up to glower at her companion.

Elmiryn pouted. “You're still mad at me.” she grumbled asininely.

“That's very astute of you, considering you're head's drowned in ale.” Nyx looked back at her book. “Step back, please. I've got a sensitive nose and you're making my eyes water.”

Elmiryn knelt down with a flop before the girl and blew wisps of hair away from her forehead. “My head isn't swimming just with ale, you know,” she said matter-of-factly. “It's also swimming with information.”

“Lovely. I can just imagine what that would look like.”

Fishy Injuries and Dubious Doodles

Just thought I'd showcase my newly gained injury--the cut was barely over a centimeter long, but the blade from the box-cutter I'd been handling cut in deep. I can't remember the last time I bled that much. How did the injury come about? I was selling fish for this roadshow that happens only once a month at the local commissary and was opening a box of snow crab when the box-cutter decided to bite me. It's all ready weird typing. It'll be a pain in the ass typing up the next chapter with this silly band aid. I can't bend my last knuckle.

Before that unfortunate incident, I did a drawing of Elmiryn in a sketchbook I had with me. I lose points for doing it on lined paper, but can't I gain points for doing a decent sketch? Along with this I've managed a few written pages for Chapter 2.4 which is shaping quite nicely, IMO. If all goes well, this coming week may see more than just one update!

Going to see How to Lose Friends & Alienate People today. I hope it isn't a disappointment like Burn After Reading...

New installment posted.

I'll slap general disclaimers on this one: I'm hungry, I'm PMSing, I've been busy, my muse is threatening to divorce me, I've got small breasts...blah blah blah. The end of the post I especially want to slap all over with disclaimers as I was half asleep when writing it. I'm half asleep now as a matter of fact.

The sketch of Nyx is just a concept thing, so if you want to imagine her as an old crone with one eye, be my guest. The drawing was really just a sad attempt on my part to get in touch with the character and maybe give my site a little more aesthetic...stuff.